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life isn't always sweeto burrito

when the depression hits on the road

storm -50 °C

There have been times on this adventure, when not all is perfect. There are times when the tears fall as hard as the Bogotá rain, times when I feel completely lost and alone. For the most part, I am living the dream. I have chased my heart and I am finally here in the continent where I so desperately wanted to be for so many years. Yet there are times when I still feel unhappy, as if I am still unable to ever achieve what it is that I want to achieve. To stop, to breathe, to relax, and to just switch off my mind. Just because I am here and living this amazing life, doesn't mean that everything is perfect. Yes, I speak a new language and I have visited some amazing parts of the world - places that I never even dreamed existed. But there have been moments when the isolation, and the rawness of being alone when something bad happens, hurts more than anything. Like when Bob died. And when 2 of my friends were in a horrific bus crash in Bolivia. And like right now, because all of my plans have fallen apart, money is running low, and I literally have no idea which direction to go.

I met a boy, I thought he was lovely. Turns out, he is just like all the rest. Even sadder, I found out after I finally decided to stop being so afraid and to allow myself to trust him. Maybe my fear was my heart screaming at me to run away from him? Who knows? What I do know is that I thought he was a good guy. I really thought he was different, and I liked him a lot. And now it’s over. Again. Like always.

My plans to go to Venezuela fell through, due to safety with the political situation and the decision that I am still not ready to teach yet. My break from the classroom is not ready to end as I still don’t want anything to do with mass numbers of children.

I had applied for a job and even had one interview with the top editor of a very large and famous publishing house. But I never heard back, regardless of chasing things up. Not even a no, but thank you for rushing to meet with us at last minute notice because we were so desperate to meet you after reading your cv, or a sorry, all those plans we discussed in the interview have actually been burnt in a terrible fire so we no longer need your services. Just nothing.

I’m in Colombia, which I love, but I am hardly eating because I just really don’t love the food. It is not a good place for a vegetarian. I miss the Mexican food so much that I only seem to eat whenever I pass a Mexican restaurant. The upside is that I can now see a couple of bones that I haven’t seen in a few years.

I’m in Bogota, with my amazing friend Kat’s family. They love me, they look after me, they have taken me away to amazing places, and I am forever grateful for their love, support, and understanding. But this city is cold, always due to altitude, and it is so endlessly big. There are so many people, nearly 8 million, and for some reason I find it so hard to meet just one good person who wants to be friend – not my lover or someone who sees me as a potential visa ticket to a life in New Zealand.

I got robbed last week, just after taking cash out of a ATM. I lost my eftpos card and my money that I needed to buy a coat for the cold. I was so upset, I felt I had been violated. The ladies at the mall didn’t even care, instead choosing to continue their discussion about nail polish or something equally as life changing.

I feel as if I am sick of being let down, by trying so hard to be nice and kind and pleasant to everyone. I have noticed that I don’t skip down the street in quite the same way as I used to, that now I wear the same blank/ bored face as everyone else, because it stops the unwanted male attention and the never ending peddlers. I feel as if I am changing, but I don’t know in which way.

A huge part of me wants to run home, to get back and cuddle my parents and my Grace. I miss her so much, I see photos of her and her hair is longer now. Her teeth have come through and she is taller and somehow skinnier and just even more beautiful with every second. And I’m not there to watch her grow up anymore, I’m not there to make new memories, to run around with her and have adventures, to cause trouble, to stay up all night talking and eating ice cream and candy in bed, to watch her dance, or to hear about her day and all the mean girls at school.

I think about coming home a lot. I think about coming home to the bubble, to curl up in my bed and cry with Bob. But then I remember the bubble is gone, and so is my beautiful fat boy. I think about getting my own apartment, so I can make it pretty and rainbow and beautiful. But I just don’t know where in the world I want that place to be. It is like I am homesick for somewhere I have never been.

I think of all of the amazing people I have all over the world, the friends, the family, the people I have met on this trip and on others. And I know I can never have everyone I love together in one room. I think of all of the amazing people I have at home in New Zealand, the truly good people and wonderful friends who have never let me down. And I wonder why the hell am I here, so far away from them all, chasing a crazy dream to see this part of the world on my own?

And so I am left with a mind swirling with a million thoughts, yet not one is concrete enough to follow. I feel as if my heart has stopped talking to me right now, maybe it’s confused. For so long the dream was to just be here, and now I am – what next? Dom believes my heart only talks to me in the sunshine and that I need to get back to the Caribbean. Maybe he is right, I am the happiest there. Dad thinks I need to be out of a big city, that they never really do me any good. Thank god for skype, viber, and watsapp is all I can say, one day I will write them a letter of gratitude. It gives me hours of free conversations with my amazing people around the world.

I’m not writing this now because I desire sympathy or attention. But I am writing it because I want people to know that not everything is always perfect. I love hearing from you all, to know that you still think of me and love me as much as I miss you and love you right back – even if it is from so far away. I want to write this so that I can always remember that chasing the dream wasn’t all turquoise waters and cheese quesadillas, that there were times of true sadness and confusion where nothing made sense and everything seemed like a dead end. I know this won’t last forever, because nothing does. I always have faith that things will turn out, if for no other reason than because I make it so. But right now, today, this very moment – I choose to be sad until my heart tells me which way to go next.

Posted by chasingsummer 12:17 Archived in Colombia

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Comments

Hi sweaty, yes, Im stalking you!!! you know who I am, I think my name leaves everything too clear.
Im sorry about the latest happenings my darling, all thou Im guessing this are old news by now, I hope you´re doing better, and remember New Zealand will always be there waiting your return, and before you know it all this becomes a memory. I love you, stay cheerful, don´t let the fucking cabrones get to you, you´re know better than that. travel safe.

by taquitosmom

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